The bugs have their say...

You might know that we insects and bugs are having a hard time right now. What with plummeting numbers due to climate changes and intensive farming, and now this damn Covid 19 thing. Well, it's time we were heard and so JJ, kind soul that he is, has given over this update to allow us to vent!

Let's start with one of the lucky ones...

A male Orange-tip Butterfly

Yes, you may well be thinking what have I got to gripe about? Well not as much as some I agree, but let's begin with my name shall we? I say 'my name' but it's only a moniker given me by an uneducated, upstart human being, and let's face it what do they know; get more sense out of a weevil! 

I mean...'Orange Tip'...do you see any orange at the tip of my wings? No...'cos there ain't any! And the girlies, who I spend most of my time chasing, don't have any orange: mind you, I am hopin' that some of mine might rub off on one or two, if ya get my drift!

Basically though, I am one of the lucky ones. I seem to be able to patrol up and down the woodland rides without being stopped by a police officer asking if my journeys were essential; although, it could be that they leave me alone because of my injured wing? They assume I am out for medical reasons.

Aphelia paleana- A tortrix moth larva

That's good for you mister, but what about me, Timothy Tortrix? You will rarely see me because I like to live concealed inside a spun, or rolled leaf - yes, social distancing is no problem for me. But I am worried; look at all these spots! I don't remember having those before I moulted last. I'm sure I have the virus: do you come out in spots when you have got it? 

Scathophaga stercoraria-A Yellow Dung Fly 

What's that stupid butterfly whinging about regards his given name? Look at mine...bloody 'Dung Fly'! This lockdown is no good for me either - I need to...well, don't want to get too graphic here, but I do love to be able to have sex on a fresh cow pat. Oh yes! Nothing finer in this world: and the fragrance...Mmmmmmm! 

My partner loves it too, 'cos she will then lay her eggs on said pat. But I have to admit that I am struggling to find fresh poop. I think all the cows must be self-isolating indoors listening to their stereos. They love a bit of Mooosic apparently.

Oh dear, did we get in trouble...

So there we all were, just hanging...trying to keep the chilly wind off our delicate undercarriages, when a local plod starts giving it large with the old rabbit! "NO social gatherings allowed" he bellows. "But, we are not out and about as a group, we have been here in this exact spot all winter" I tell him.

"Are you all from the same family?" he asks...I mean, c'mon! We're beetles, how the hell do we know anything about our parentage? We're not even fungus beetles, at least they care for and tend their young. And so I answer "Could be, although I distinctly recall my father saying to me personally, right, I'm off, you strange little maggot".

He mumbles something about being flippant, and goes on his way. But not before insisting we should disperse before he returns at dusk.

Eurydema oleracea~ A Brassica Shieldbug

And so the fly and the butterfly are complaining about their common names are they? Well consider this: my scientific name is 'Brassica', and that's just what I am; Brassic! Ok, ok...I know, it doesn't really work as a written word, you have to speak it (so to speak) because the phrase is; 'Boracic...boracic lint', meaning skint. But you can hardly expect me to excel in grammar can you? I'm a blinking bug not an English lit student.

The point is, how am I going to pay this £60 fine I collected, just for venturing out into the garden to feed? As I protested to the police officer, "One has to eat". I mean, besides not carrying cash, I have no concept of money at all. Still, they can chase me for it I guess, after all I couldn't give them a mailing address,  I don't have a permanent one, I am itinerant.

A Puss Moth Caterpillar

I really do think that us bugs are being targeted during this pandemic you know. I swear I was just getting in my one hour per day exercise, I hadn't even left this leaf and was minding my own, keeping a safe distance from everyone, when  I was taken aback by a loud shout of "Oy! You", which caused me to instinctively  raise my 'tail feathers' like this; and before you could say metamorphosis, I was in trouble with the law for indecent behaviour. 

"I'm not sure I even know what indecent behaviour is", I protested. "Offending against generally accepted standards of propriety or good taste" came the reply from the bluebottle. "How so?" I inquired.  "Take a look at the picture below" he said. "Do you see now?"...

Leave it out! Who is that anyway? For starters, I can't look at that photo properly can I...I'm just a photograph myself. I sent him on his way and flipped him the bird! Well, I would have done if I'd had any fingers.

At least there seems to be no law against our feathered friend exercising outdoors yet...